Emotional Hook: FRACTALS, YO
Claudia, Lafayette, and Priscilla; you darling free spirits. Your whole trip is like a blizzard of confetti that prevents our imagination from catching up long enough to decide what makes up your dog’s appearance; small-tiny-mini; green collar; swirl-butt; brown–red–cream; little deer; Egyptian god of mummification; jackal; cute; chihuahua-doberman – or just plain gone. Also, there’s more personal info here than on Match.com. We may not help you find your dog, but we might be into swingin’ by the party pad with a keg of beer, some patchouli, and our van.
Graphic Appeal: COURIER CARPET BOMB
Only an Epson JetColor® F801 can produce blue like that. Probably printed when the boss wasn’t looking, huh? Still. it’s pretty easy on the eyes, despite the hectic vibe. Good use of bold. Size varies, but font changes are encouraged too. And kill the exclamation point. Reward-wise, ya’ll offer zip to incentivize readers to tackle the geezer walkin’ around with your dog. You do know that cash beats karma, right ladies?
Climate Durability: WHO CARES
Durability is one thing, but when you tape these fliers to commercial properties in such a way that store owners can be seen ripping them off their windows and crumpling ‘em up in frustration, it doesn’t count for shit. FAIL.
Coherency Index: SPASTIC
A lot’s prancing around here: the enthusiasm of a lemonade stand; stringent grammar, punctuation, and spelling; Ritalin, Adderall, Ativan, Xanax; the breathless impatience of roommates; volunteerism; even the future resolve of a sulky middle manager labeling her lunches, “This does not belong to you!” And what do all of these have in common? None of ‘em are compliments.
This cry for attention was posted at eye level in so many places that it littered the ground, drifting about people’s feet, and hung limply from less than adhesive surfaces like awnings and gas pumps. Our takeaway is that this is less like 8 p.m. living room panic among sky-high school friends, and more like a guerrilla campaign carried out by art student foot-stompers who intentionally cut themselves.
Futility Factor: MOON LANDINGS ARE CLOSER
No matter how ugly or second-hand brain damaged your missing animal may be, all pets are exploitable. There will always be lonely people who steal babies from maternity wards, and practice runs are crucial. Infant-sized pets who are too cream-colored and precious to survive on their own is just plain good abduction training. And the more friendly, expensive, or unique you make your little dog out to be, the less likely someone will be to return it. I bet we both know people ready to step up and “adopt” a pet right off the sidewalk.
Bonus Points/Cheap Shots:
Those are some ears, aren’t they? Wonder if they’ll help Anubis hear the rushing whisper of a Prius doin’ 55 in a 35 zone…