Blair Witch

Blair Witch_Desperat HousepetsEmotional Hook: A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO SHADOW PETS
Amateur photography aside, whose house is this dark? And what animal lives in such a dungeon unless it’s passed through the ceremonial pagan gates of Schemhampheres? Then again, according to Rules of Neopaganism (or the Da Vinci Code, we can’t remember which), even witches and sorcerers have a need for animal “Familiars” that can carry occult messages to and from God knows where.

Graphic Appeal: EAT YOUR HEART OUT, HALLMARK®
A single, evocative image with a brief caption is the best data implantation technique the Western world has to offer. Here we see “keep it simple” rendered even more effective as “keep it satanic.” Very memorable.

Climate Durability: TOO DURABLE FOR COMFORT
Eerily tough. Very long lasting. Cathedrals have shorter lifespan than this flyer. It hung in a public library for two years before we (or anyone) touched it. 

Coherency Index: WHY SO SERIOUS?
This grieving pet owner was obviously savvy enough to avoid run-on sentences describing distress, offering meaningless warnings that the lost animal requires medication, and delusionally sharing loving details in the hope of making us care. In fact, the bleak, inhospitable severity of this particular specimen is such that we can’t get the late Heath Ledger’s Joker out of our heads.

Blair Witch_Desperat HousepetsSaturation:
“TALK TO THE FLOATING HAND”

We’ll never know how many of these flyers were quietly studying the public, waiting to pull innocent children into the spirit world. But nuthin’ beats pushing your luck with Satan, so we broke out our Ouija board and asked all sorts of silly questions about this cat. After a short time of sitting there in the dark, we felt an intractable pull toward the McDonald’s down the street, where we enjoyed the natural rhythm of life forces emanating from McBeef juice.

Futility Factor:
IT’S A WONDERFUL AFTERLIFE

This Familiar was 16 years old at the time of its disappearance. Chances are it has since been found where many pets curl up and die: under the house, behind a favorite hedge, or between the fence and the tool shed. Sometimes animals aren’t even missing; they just don’t want to give their owners the satisfaction of selfishly participating in and exploiting their demise to suit their emotional (or sacrificial) needs.

Cheap Shots/Additional Comments: 
Only two weeks after posting this, the cat’s owner barely survived being trapped in an overturned car that was engulfed in flames. Then, while the same individual was recovering in a burn ward, a nurse committed suicide in his/her hospital room. The dismembered wings of the nurse’s pet Cockatoo were found in her lab coat pockets. We’re totally lying, but we had ‘ya for a second, didn’t we?

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