Emotional Hook: DISMISSIVE
This crappy excuse for a missing pet flyer could have been created by someone in the throes of opiate withdrawal, but instead it appears to be the handiwork of an overly-permissive, if not neglectful, single Dadbod with a case of renter’s remorse in Silver Lake, America’s gentrification patient zero. Here’s a guy who can’t be bothered to find a photo, write legibly, or generally give us a reason to care about his lost animal, yet he still expects us to deliver for his two little girls. Probably so they’ll stop bothering him with their whining over their missing Malty.
Graphic Appeal: IMPULSE BUY
This specimen takes the trophy for material helplessness. Such a sad, far cry from the promise you showed at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design, isn’t it?
Climate Durability: DOUBLE FAIL
Spiral notebook paper wants to disintegrate because it hates itself. It’s made from sugar water and the breath of ninth grade gossips; a paper towel would’ve had a better chance. Frankly, though, we’re surprised this isn’t written on a cocktail napkin. We found this single flyer outside a Medical Center in LA’s Historic Filipinotown. It was probably written in haste while Dadbod was running errands and/or securing more pain meds.
Coherency Index: WE GET IT: YOU’RE NEGLIGENT
We gather by reading this that Mr. Can’t Be Bothered lets his two little girls run around alone with their dog. Where was he when the thing went missing? In the car nodding out, or swiping left ‘n right? We’re guessing he didn’t really want a dog in the first place, but he forgot to buy Christmas gifts for Molly and Alyana, so the apparently nameless maltese was a shortsighted save. The lack of effort displayed here is in direct proportion to Dadbod’s realization that he accomplished little more than adding a seven pound shit ‘n piss machine to his life.
No one will be surprised to know we found only one of these. Fat chance this guy chicken-scratched and then posted a whole spiral notebook’s worth of such a personal cry for help.
Futility Factor: GUARANTEED
This isn’t a flyer – it’s resentful empathy. It’s the reason “Futility Factor” is included in the D.I.E.D. criteria. This is the notch at the bottom of the doorframe, the very definition of pointless.
Bonus Points/Cheap Shots:
Okay, there is one thing that’s extra disorienting here. We get that Missing Malty is “family” to you and “2 young girls,” but WHY ARE YOU GIVING OUT THE PHONE NUMBERS OF YOUNG GIRLS? You have zero photos or descriptors about the dog, which makes us wonder if this isn’t all just some creepy pretext for your even darker proclivities.