Gentle Lester

Gentle Lester_desperate housepetsEmotional Hook: CORNERED
This bereaved young hipster knew exactly what would pull ’em in: a missing, possibly magic peacock and a photo of an expressionless bird requiring a chokehold to convey affection. Even the description of Lester livin’ on the corner is endearing. Also, woman-on-bird intimacy appeals to those of us who can’t refuse the world’s digital parade of swampers, screamers, hoarders, trash pickers, toddler-divas, Walmart gimps, parasites, white slaves, amputees, and lobotomy candidates.

Graphic Appeal: PRUDENT, SINCERE 
Simple, bold, Looney Tunes, and red. Though the overuse of hyphens and underlined appeals is a tad annoying, this one wins for non-shock value. Forget “friendly,” she allows that germ-infested feather duster into her kitchen?

Climate Durability: DEHYDRATED
Crinkly dry after several weeks, but otherwise unremarkable. Fun Fact: As long as it’s white, the cheaper your copy paper, the longer it’ll last in dry climates.

Gentle Lester_desperate housepetsCoherency Index: PEACOCK LOGIC
Correct us if we’re wrong, but doesn’t claiming ownership of an animal that “lives on the corner” mean you’re just lucky it comes back and/or hasn’t gotten hit by a UPS truck? We’re not sure this confers possession in terms of the typical keeping of domesticated pets. Of course, neither are we peacock owners, so forgive us if we’re ill informed. For the record, though, we’d also ask this of someone who claims a reappearing stray poodle is actually a relative returned from the grave. (Is the kind of Q&A one has with “peacock people?”)

Turkeys, chickens, and peacocks kept in urban neighborhoods usually make unwelcome noise and are sometimes stoned to death by neighborhood children. This woman has advertised exactly where the target is located.

Futility Factor: ANIMAL CONTROL
Look, if anyone’s gonna find the pretty turkey, it’s gonna be a kid (see above) or Animal Control. You miss Lester? Say goodbye to his whole family now that you’ve alerted the authorities with your flyer, dumbo.

Bonus Points/Additional Comments:
Peacocks represent the “all-seeing” church, the holiness, resurrection, immortality, and sanctity associated with that, as well as the spiritual teachings of Christianity (and NBC). No wonder we’ve fought the urge to kick ‘em in the face since the petting zoos of our youth. Mystery solved!

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