Emotional Hook: MUPPETS
Of course this dog isn’t “aggressive towards people or other animals.” Any canine that looks as though it’s about to give you a surfer’s thumbs-up is as irresistible as it gets. We half expect Geo to start singing “Rainbow Connection,” but unless they’re being chased by a pack of coyotes, only Muppet dogs can carry a tune.
Graphic Appeal: “TPS REPORT”
With this uh, highly realized specimen, assuming Julie is middle management is a no-brainer, but she’s not just any office boss. No, Julie oversees cubicle drones fond of avoiding accountability by citing loopholes in department memoranda. The last straw might’ve been that kid, Brantly, who, after Julie failed to specify a.m. or p.m. on a conference room schedule, stood next to her before company vice president Hafthór Stendahl’s desk, successfully making a mockery of just when the Thursday resource meeting was supposed to have taken place. (If only Hafthór wasn’t such an idiot.)
Climate Durability: THE FOLLY OF CONTRAST
In the dry climate where this specimen was secured, one needs to account for UV rays and what they can do to consumer inkjet print outs. As Julie has done, countering this requires deepening the contrast of your text. The give-and-take, however, is over-saturation of your photo’s whites, the resulting in inaccuracies of which may produce eyeless pets.
Coherency Index: GRIEF BLINDNESS
Julie, Julie, Julie. When you let on that you’ll pay “any reward necessary,” you might not attract the attention of those who have the best interests of Geo in mind. It doesn’t help that you provided enough personal information for your killer to show up with a rope and duct tape purchased with your own Visa. And what, you don’t normally lock your gate? If you did, you’d probably have referred to it as being “unlocked” as opposed to “open.” And we know there won’t be any yappy mutt around to alert the neighbors, will there? Plus, thanks to the inclusion of your email and phone numbers, your schedule can be deduced in 48 hours or less. And your tossing in those major cross-streets makes researching nearby freeway entrances a snap.
This find was affixed to every other street lamp and stop sign within three blocks to the north, south, east and west of Julie G.’s bedroom window. In addition to being stapled five or six times per page, it appeared as though each had been spray-glued, making for a painstaking excavation. Julie’s commitment to her loss and her willingness to overlook personal safety, common sense, and good grammar to share Geo with us is commendable.
Futility Factor: PROBABILITIES
While we’d like to report that Geo ‘n Julie are once again as tight as Gin And Juice, we don’t make, take, or stake bets at desperatehousepets.net. But we will agree to the high probability of a new and better home.
Bonus Points/Cheap Shots:
We’re not even sure if Geo is small or medium-sized, ’cause there’s nothing to-scale here other than what appears to be an oddly monogramed, uncomfortable pillow. Is that cardboard behind the dog? It looks greasy. But so what? Does Geo look bothered? On the other hand, if Geo is as content and happy as Julie makes him sound, why is he chewing off his own tail? Smother much?