Emotional Hook: OH NO! GU GU!
Oh yeah, this starts off real enchanting-like with the whole “parrot may whistle and talk” business. Who wouldn’t enjoy being interrupted while pushing a stroller or digging for cans by a lost pirate bird? Best friendship and shoulder-wearing a’la a Disney flick would surely ensue. Gu Gu could make funny quips in your ear and take stinky craps on your shirt. And sure, it’s always a good idea “handle parrot with caution;” birds are fragile creatures, right? Oooohhh, but “aggressive towards unfamiliar company and will bite“? Whoops! That’s pretty much all we need to know to skip squinting skyward. Not “might.” Not “maybe.” “Will.” This bird is off his meds, hungry, and bitey. If that doesn’t guarantee Gu Gu is Gone Gone, we don’t know what does.
Graphic Appeal: NICELY DONE!
You turn people on and then off again in a tenth of a second. Nice beak, too. We saw that and wondered, who needs meds more?
Climate Durability: PRETTY GOOD FOR PLAIN PAPER
This had to have been on that telephone pole for a month. Question is, with this much entertainment value, why did no one else seek to give this flyer a nice home?
Coherency Index: MASOCHISM JACKPOT
Why bother mentioning this future feather duster needs special parrot food and medicine? How the hell do I know how to administer birdie meds? Oh that’s right; I forgot. I always carry a first aid kit for injured eye peckers in my glove box. Stay right there, Gu Gu! I’ll be right back, and then I can bandage myself up too, after you’ve clawed the skin off my hands.
This was the only one sighted, so there were a lot of car horns, two insanely illegal u-turns, and a punishable-by-fine use of a handicapped space to retrieve it. This gem could not be passed up.
Look! Up in the sky! It’s $2000 with wings!
Bonus Points/Cheap Shots:
Ah, the Holy Grail of missing pet flyers: an appeal to your neighborhood to find a winged animal you’ve been holding captive in a small wire cage. The poor creature’s only satisfaction during his years in your living room Gitmo was snapping at visiting toddler’s fingers, and now that he’s “escaped” (your word, pal) you actually expect to see him again!? Ha!