Malignant

Nipple_Desperate HousepetsEmotional Hook: YOU’VE // GOT // TO BE // KIDDING
When pet owners try to gain sympathy (nipple) by exploiting every medical “condition” their animal has endured throughout its miserable life, it’s essentially the same (nipple) as degrading the animal with a novelty sweater. Except here, the sweater is cancer, making this much gloomier than your standard, “Look at my dog! She’s wearing a hat!” Perhaps the owner thinks it’s pertinent to put weird and uncomfortable images in our heads (nipple), but this actually does the overall campaign — and animal — a serious disservice. Can you say TMI? Besides, your average do-gooder can’t identify canine mastectomy scars by sight, which means (nipple) he or she would have to poke around for the rough, possibly unhealed and runny spot in your darling’s fur. Why expose your woozy, senile pet to the flipping and jabbing of ignorant strangers?

Graphic Appeal: GRIM // GNOMISH// BITTER // MORTAL
Let’s be honest. You can’t possibly expect someone to look for your dog when your hideous, early ‘90s sofa-sectional features so prominently in your photo. Room swallowers like this foam-filled carcass barge are always named “Sagebrush Whisper,” “Mocha Carrington,” or “Reprise Almond.” Our guess is the dog split ’cause you made her struggle for dignity on such a puckered, postpartum nightmare.

Climate Durability: AVERAGE // AT // BEST
Of the four missing pet flyers we found, one appeared to have been drenched and sun-dried several times over. Another was crinkled but readable, scannable, and mockable.

Nipple_Desperate HousepetsCoherency Index: FOREST // TREES
Show some decency! Dogs aren’t ATMs, you know. You can’t just withdraw and withdraw and withdraw until there’s nothing more to take: you have to give back to your pets for all the joy they bring you. Sometimes that means ending your dog’s pain, not broadcasting it.

Saturation: BAD // WEATHER // WHACK-A-MOLE
We get the expediency of trying to find a pet, but it doesn’t do much good to cover your neighborhood telephone poles in the rain. Still, we credit Nippie’s owner for posting a second round of flyers once the sun reestablished its dominance. Problem is, with the gutters washed clean and the sidewalks and buildings looking brighter, this buzz kill promptly sent pedestrians right back to the bleak and bitter.

Futility Factor: 1.33% // CHANCE // OF // REUNION
So much info, but where’s the microchip or dog tag? Where’s the ounce of prevention?

Bonus Points/Additional Comments:
Even the darkest clouds have their silver lining. Maybe that $500 you’ll save in reward money can buy you a mid-tier sofa from Macy’s.

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