No Name

NO NAMEEmotional Hook: MINUSCULE
From what we can see of this animal, it looks barley able to stand. It’s unclear what “newly rescured” (sic) means, but it sounds therapeutic. And since No Name here appears to have narrowly avoided the night-night needle, perhaps a more pertinent question is, should it have been singled out for such a cure? And we get that dogs can suffer from cognitive disorder syndrome, another name for Alzheimer’s, but couldn’t its owner at least have provided a name to try out on the ‘ol girl a few times? What’s left, a staring contest?

Graphic Appeal: TOTALITARIAN 
With laser printers so cheap these days, it’s a wonder people still fall for ink-jets. Still, nothing gets a message across like totalitarian red and black, and this spelling-disabled pet owner put both to good use.

Climate Durability: NEGLECTED HUMAN FACTOR
This lasted long enough to fade but had to be pried from under five newer flyers. Durability also references the human climate, so it’s important to create a public plea capable of eliciting empathy from other grieving pet owners. That way, you’re less likely to be dismissed as having “had your time in the sun” and be stapled over. (Hey, competition for suburban compassion is no joke!)

Coherency Index: BABY BOOMER
The discoloration around the area where nails where used to post this specimen indicates: A) the owner must’ve been harkening back to the days of the Little Rascals, since only the elderly use nails to hang paper documents, and B) said owner is suffering from permanence entitlement, in which bitterness at the changing suburban landscape is verbalized daily.

Saturation: ACCIDENTAL STAYING POWER
While only one of these was in evidence where this specimen was excavated, it had been stapled over by other missing pet flyers, making it a fine example of natural selection.

NO NAMEFutility Factor: HIGH
The picture provided is as helpful as eating LSD prior to joining the search. The dog is old and shaky. It’s traumatized from having been newly “rescured.”
It’s nameless and/or recalcitrant. Its owner is a tightfisted mummy who isn’t sure you understand that numbers provided on a flyer after the word “Call” relate to transmitting speech over a telephone.

Bonus Points/Additional Comments:
A U.S. Centers for Disease Control report suggests that an average of 86,629 geezer Americans receive emergency room treatment each year for fall-related injuries associated with a dog or cat. In other words, they trip over their own pets. Maybe No Name’s not missing at all. Maybe her owner just bumped his or her head and wants another dog.

Cheap Shots:
Somebody needs daily medication, and it ain’t the dog.

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