Phoenix

Pheonix_Desperate HousepetsEmotional Hook: WE HAVE A WINNER!!!
Ding! Ding! Ding! Forget hooks: this baby’s a harpoon. Nothing riles the public’s “Let’s Roll” urgency better than irrational accusations. Never mind how Karen knows her cat was sold on Craigs List, we want to know more about this affront to Phoenix’s feline dignity. The wrathful little guy’s expression seems to say it all: “I was peddled alongside LA Clippers tickets, bodily fluids, and Tecate bar mirrors. I hate you all. Especially you, Karen.”

Graphic Appeal: PURE GENIUS
The Craigs List theft theory is fantastic. From the salacious accusation to the sense of injustice and the intriguing oddity of it all, who isn’t tempted to join his fellow finger-pointers on a neighborhood witch hunt? Very good, Karen, you’ve got your gasoline, newspapers, and match, all in one eye-catching sentence.

Climate Durability: NO ES BUENO
Think of the reader, Karen. Isn’t “REWARD” at least as important to them as your phone number? The bright red might have matched your momentary panic (and troubled description of gratitude), but your printer’s red cartridge ink was no match for interplanetary UV rays. The next time an important family companion goes MIA, go with all-black. It’s classy and it lasts.

Coherency Index: SMELLS LIKE AN EXCUSE
Hmm, “Last seen 8/16 on Reed and Bayard.” By whom? Was this terrifying abduction witnessed? We must remember that alarmism is every American’s right, and no one should be kept from using fear and fury to sell their products or problems. So as kaleidoscopic as some of Karen’s logic appears to be, we can’t really take issue with her dealing unseen enemies into her mental poker game.

Pheonix_Desperate HousepetsSaturation: EVERYWHERE
Karen was wronged, remember? Victim-play is intense.

Futility Factor: TO THE MOON, KAREN
Let’s face it, Phoenix was sold on the Internet. This opens the door to so many things. He could have been purchased to feed immigrant Chinese slaves who are being held in a basement somewhere in Karen’s community. Or maybe Phoenix fetched an even better price at the back door of the neighborhood Apocalypse Chow. There’s always the possibility that Karen ate her own pet…

Bonus Points/Additional Comments:
Karen’s appreciation for help she may receive is given odd prominence by her arguable misuse of the word “significantly.” And it pulls us away from how much she otherwise gets across with so little page layout. It’s a trivial criticism for sure, but it rips us out of the topic story of terrible tabby takers and illicit cat commerce. Sure the sense of entitlement to vindication simply and effectively galvanizes pissy dad-bods and stroller-pushers, but you’ve got to hold people’s attention. So next time, Karen, keep it simple. Instead of word-use whimsies, just say “THANK YOU.”

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